Don’t call Santa at 3AM! Or at any time, here is why

We all know Santa, right? His loving charm and wit amazes all the kids in town! But what if i told you that there is a much darker side to our beloved Christmas “hero”?

Hi I’m Shady Goat, and for the past couple of weeks I have been investigating into Santa’s involvement in the Chernobyl disaster, The 11th of October Scandal and that will transition nicely into the really big truths behind him.

Now then, lets talk chernobyl. The famous Chernobyl disaster was cause seemingly by some poles over heating, causing a plant to go boom boom, but is that really what happened? That’s right. Santa has been involved in this.

Think about it, where was he when this happened? No one can confirm. He says he was sleeping, however, recently some people have come out against him. Although they present some striking evidence, it will not be enough to convict him. Has he really caused this? It remains to be a mystery!

Besides that, I wanted to mention the scandal on October 11th 2001. What was this you may ask, well, a lot of sources don’t talk about this scandal often. Or at all sometimes. On this day, there was a giant anti-pedo sting operation, which was a huge success. A giant child trafficking ring was broken apart, most of them being arrested. However, 4 suspects got away, one of them being fat, in a red cape, with whats believed to be a white beard. Who does that sound like? That’s right, it sounds like Santa. While this was not enough for me to confidently say that he is a Pedophile or (MAP), it did cause me to dig. And oh boy did I find some stuff.

First off, in some of his own songs: “Santa only cums once a year”, we’ll get back to this later, “you better watch out, you better not cry”, he is trying to brainwash kids into normalizing him, “he sees when you are sleeping, he sees when you are awake”, a clear admission of stocking kids, “so be good for goodness’ sake”, this is a clear anti-sex addict plea. We’ll get back to this a bit later, but santa clearly has his kinks, and likes to “punish” the “naughty” kids.

Now, regarding all this sex-addict pedo stuff. Think of it this way:

  1. Santa was a sex addicted pedophile.
  2. Santa became santa, to have access to so many children
  3. Santa began his brainwashing
  4. First Christmas, all that snow WAS NOT snow. You can understand yourself what it is
  5. He brings in children to sit on his lap, pleasuring him, and masks it under “taking their wishes”. He is actually humiliating them at the same time by repeatedly calling them a “hoe” which is something he gets of to, apparently.
  6. Once he is done with 1 child, he brings in the next. Sometimes he calls them “naughty” and says he will “punish” them. This is often seen during the mating act as “kinky”.
  7. Once christmas he decides he will no longer be this sex driven man. He will go clean, which is when he starts singing about how he only cums once a year, that being christmas
  8. He establishes a cum cocoon, otherwise known as the north pole, and is testing his will for an entire year.

After you imagine it all this way, a bunch of loose ends are tied together and everything makes perfect sencse.

Conclusion of this is that you should never trust a stranger with a white (from cum) beard with your kids. This man is a danger to society and I wish he never existed. He still uses kids for pleasure, although admittedly, only one child per year. This doesn’t even get into the elf-slavery he does!